Disappointment

So I promised a post about my disappoint at not being selected as a 'team leader' for summer school, and here it is. I'm a little blogged out at the moment, but still, it's a question I need to ask myself and won't if I don't write about it...

Now in all honesty, I'm putting in some enormous efforts in my teaching and have become a super-teacher recently since Ole Miss classes ended. I'm a grading and set-model-independent practice-closure machine and I'm planning some really creative lessons for when we finish our textbook material in the next few weeks. But there's something missing in me apparently. And the funny thing is, I know it, though I can't seem to put words into it. Witness me being defensive from the beginning already.

Is it that I don't care? No. Am I not a dedicated worker? I don't think so. Would I not do my best? Absolutely not! Am I not responsible and mature enough to be the go-to-guy? Perhaps. Is it that I always seem to have something negative to say about the program? Hmmmm, maybe I'm getting somewhere now. No, I'm not conjuring up a conspiracy theory, I'm saying that maybe it's the image I project to the world that says, nope, not Dave Jones.

I had a conversation with Ben about it, and he affirmed that I would have been an excellent choice, but others were better. I'm willing to take that at face value, but still, that's a pretty disappointing realization for a bright, snobby kid such as I. So, is it really that, or is there some quality about me that I and others perceive but that I am unable to name that excluded me from being chosen?

Maybe the powers that be decided that it seemed like I didn't really want to be a 'team leader' and therefore automatically decided I was out, even though I might have been an excellent choice if it was thrust upon me. Am I not ambitious enough? Am I not buying into the system in some way? Good God, what the hell is wrong with me?

Okay, so I'm bordering an self-deprecation and I know I'm blowing this out of proportion, but hey, I'm touchy, what can I say? I'm genuinely curious about what was deficient in me, what the name of the gut feeling was that included others but not myself - I'm not so sure I would have been a good choice myself, but I can progress no further introspectively than that that in itself was what precluded me. Am I on a wild goose chase or have I jsut never heard in what ways my character is lacking?

Now before this turns into a full-blown existential crisis, let me cut it short. But I leave the reader with the immortal and quite appropriate words of the Butthole Surfers in closing: "You never know just how you look through other people's eyes."

What a great song - am I the only one who owns a copy of ElectricLarryLand?